What am I made for?

I have been asking myself this question recently—sometimes in the quietest hours of the night, sometimes when I feel too much, or not enough. I really didn't give it much thought before, I have always assumed that I knew myself well enough. My strengths, my weaknesses, and the things that make me... me. And perhaps I do. Perhaps, that is precisely the reason that drove me to ask myself that question: because I am learning to find myself.

Lately, I’ve been watching movies, documentaries, and videos that have helped me understand more about life and the human experience. One of them brought me back to something I’ve known about for a while: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. 

I had seen it before, but only now, after this subject found its way back to me, does it really resonate. I believe I’m standing somewhere between the stages of Esteem and Self-Actualization. And I think that’s okay. I think everyone reaches those stages at different moments in their life. Some get there while becoming young adults. Some later. Some maybe not until they're much, much older. But I also believe that life sometimes pushes you into those questions early, and I’ve had experiences that made me look inward sooner than I expected.

I’m 19 years old. And even though I often catch myself longing for a different, older, more experienced version of my life, I’m learning to be grateful for this moment—for the fact that there’s still so much I don’t know. I’ve realized that in order to become the version of myself I dream of, there’s a lot I still need to explore, learn, and feel deeply. That’s why I’m doing this. This is where I’ll trace the evolution of my purpose; how it changes, shifts, or maybe grows with me.

This page will be a collection of all the questions I’ve whispered into the dark, and the answers that found their way back to me, soft, scattered, unfinished. Maybe I wasn’t made for just one thing. Maybe I was made to wonder, to create, to feel. Maybe I was made to be lost for a while, and to find beauty in the search.

Here, I’m writing down the pieces I’ve gathered. The things I’ve realized, remembered, or still don’t understand. Maybe, through this, I’ll get closer to knowing what I was made for—or maybe I’ll just get better at asking.

Beauty, being seen, and becoming

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about beauty.

There’s a word I came across recently: Kalopsia. It means "the delusion of seeing things more beautiful than they really are."

As soon as I saw it, I fell in love. Not just with the word itself, but with the idea. Because maybe it’s not a delusion at all. Maybe it’s a skill: to see beauty in everything, even when it’s subtle or hidden or cracked. I love finding it, and even more, I love sharing it. With the people I care about, with the world, with anyone who might need a reminder that beauty still exists.

One of my greatest struggles, though, is seeing that beauty in myself. I can look at the world with soft, wonder-filled eyes, but when I turn that gaze inward, it’s harder. Still, however, I try. 

From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I try to give myself the love I long to receive. Because I believe that is one of the most important and beautiful parts about the human experience: love and beauty. Not of any kind, however, but the one you can find within yourself.

And maybe that’s where some of my judgment comes from, too. I’ve started to realize that when my mind drifts into judgment of others, it’s often just a reflection of how harshly I judge myself. The things I reject or fear in others usually point straight to the things I haven’t yet made peace with in me. That realization has softened my thoughts. I’m learning to be gentler, not just with others, but with the version of me that’s still learning how to love herself.

Another thing I’ve noticed: love and beauty call to me constantly. I’m always in awe when I see them in others. Especially in those who create. 

I’ve been watching a lot of videos lately, and one specific content creator completely shifted something in me. Not only is he an amazing person himself, but he is also unbelievably talented. While watching him, I found myself in awe at his thought process.—he’s the kind of person who turns anything into a canvas. He explains his thoughts in a way that gives everything a soul. Watching him moved something inside me. For someone who’s been stuck in a fog of depression lately, feeling inspired again is no small thing. 

In that moment, I realized: I want to do that too. I want to create, to share, to make things that feel alive.

Which brings me to something deeper—something I hadn’t fully put into words before: I want to be seen.

It’s a thread that runs through so many of my dreams. As a kid and into my teens, I wanted to be a singer and an actor. I trained, I practiced, I pushed myself to learn everything I could. But as life chipped away at my confidence, I tucked those dreams into the background. Still, the core of them never disappeared.

Now, I’ve found myself drawn to content creation—not just as a career, but as a way to connect all the things I love about being alive.

When I say "being seen", there are two main definitions of it. One: the most obvious, which is just the pure meaning of it: being seen. Perhaps I enjoy being in a spotlight, but not in a way that's tied to vanity (though I would be a liar if I said I didn't enjoy it),  I mean it in a way that’s deeply tied to purpose. Being seen, to me, also means being shared. Which takes me to the second definition of the term: sharing. 

I long to be able to share things with the world, just as much as I learn from it. My experiences, my abilities, my art, my voice, my presence and the beauty within them. I want to take what I’ve learned, or created, or felt—and offer it back to the world, the same way others have offered things to me.

But beyond all of that, I also want to feel found.

I want to find a chosen family that feels like home. Friends who challenge me and teach me things, who expand my understanding of what life can be, but who also just get me. I want to grow with people, not just around them. I want to be seen, not just looked at. I want to be known.

And maybe that’s part of what I’m made for.